Month: February 2019

Gold Fever!



I woke at 4:30 this morning, because I was either having a dream about finding gold, or I was relentlessly and obsessively thinking about a YouTube video I saw where a guy in Colorado claimed to find gold in river water coming out of the mountains. He used a powerful magnet in a plastic enclosure to dangle in the water until the outside of the plastic housing was covered with black needles of some ferrous ore that also contained gold, which is not attracted to magnets. Then he dried the black ferrous residue and waved a magnet over trays of the ferrous compounds, leaving pure gold behind. It looked like he making thousands of dollars a day for only a few hours work.


We have mountains here in Thailand, very near my home, replete with rushing streams. I have two large neodymium magnets which I use to ameliorate back pain. Just after dawn I raced on my motorcycle off into the hills with my magnets, a trowel, and a plastic bucket.


After placing the magnet inside the bucket and dangling it in a stream, I waited impatiently. In the video it seemed like no time at all had passed, but I knew how cooking shows work, and figured maybe it took a few minutes for his plastic magnet housing to be covered. After five minutes I lifted my bucket from the stream and saw nothing sticking my plastic housing. I refused to become discouraged. Once I tear off on a streak of magical thinking, it takes more than mere reality to bring me back down to earth.


I grabbed my trowel and returned to the banks of the stream. They were sandy and glittered with what I assume is mica. But there, in the early morning sunlight, the rocks that lined the edge of the water were glowing gold! It was unmistakable, obvious! Why had no one seen this before? I had seen a video of Thai people panning for gold, the same way prospectors have always done, along a nearby river to where I was, but the narration said they patiently sat there all day during the times of rest in between planting and harvesting rice, and considered themselves lucky to make twenty dollars a day.


A man of my caliber can’t be bothered for such a paltry sum! Besides, I have powerful magnets. They probably weren’t even online, much less aware of YouTube. And this very morning I’d awoken to a prescient dream. So I raced home with my glittering booty. It is now drying on top of plastic ponchos, lying in the sun on my driveway.


Stay tuned for the exciting news!



When the Shit Next Hits the Fan



It will come as a surprise. September 11, 2001 was the last time it happened, though months of preparation preceded the event. Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld had to have lots of meetings with Mossad, the Saudis had to play their role, the “maintenance workers” spend months planting thermite on supporting beams of the three buildings that were brought down through controlled demolition, the Directed Energy Weapons that turned most of the rubble into fine dust had to be fine tuned and aimed, somebody had to arrange for George W to be invited to a Florida grade school…lots of prep.


But it was hidden prep, and this time whatever comes about will seem to have simply happened spontaneously. I imagine it will involve Israel and Iran, though maybe the spark will ignite Venezuela instead. Pakistan and India, both nuclear powers, share a contested border and both have vowed to use nuclear weapons to protect their interests. In fact, Pakistan’s army recently authorized field commanders to use nuclear weapons if they felt they were needed WITHOUT PRIOR APPROVAL FROM ISLAMABAD!


Whatever happens, we will not seem to be the bad guy. The authorities will assure us that we were reacting to “terrorism.” The meaning of that term varies widely. If you’re an Israeli soldier in a hundred million dollar helicopter it means one thing, but to a Palestinian teenager throwing a rock it means something else entirely.


When the shit next hits the fan it will spray and splatter at the speed of light. It will take weeks to find out what happened. The eight corporate news services that own all our broadcasting stations will take their time concocting and presenting a story that assures most viewers this is the real scoop. Five years later an “official report” will be issued, blaming no one.

Welcome Aboard, Slacker



If you’re not motivated by a desire to get ahead, win the approval of others, be desired sexually, or be someone of importance, then what could possibly motivate you? Status, sex and security flip the switch for most people.

There comes a point in the lives of many people who have more years behind them than in front when those factors lose much of their power. I’m not looking to change my circumstances by bettering my lot. My lot is good enough for me, and I’m the one who gets to decide when good is good enough.

So now what? Where do I go from here? What about you, gentle reader? Is your goose already cooked to your satisfaction? If it is, then join the club. Geezers Without Ambition. Happy to hang out and watch grass grow and paint dry. Reasonably content with their current lot.

If you’re easily bored or secretly scheming, then go find another group to join. But if you’re truly bereft of ambition in all its guises, then welcome aboard, fellow slacker. This ship won’t be sailing anytime soon. Probably never again. In fact, it’s in permanent dry dock.