My Brilliant Invention

My Brilliant Invention

076-sunset-boulevard-theredlist

We’re closing shop. The business that we sank all our hopes and dreams and countless hours of efforts into is now tottering on its last legs. Fire sale time. Everything must go! Our loss, your gain! No reasonable offer refused!

You would have thought a machine and a drug regimen that would enable a person to learn to play a musical instrument or master a foreign language in two weeks would have caught on. It really worked! No hype, no false promises, no inflated expectations were involved. It really worked, was reasonably priced, and still no one cared. When I gave my harpsichord recital, people just assumed I had been playing complicated baroque keyboard music for years. When I conversed in Romanian with virtually no detectable accent, people assumed I had been born there.

Who would have thought that a few powerful magnets arranged in a precise configuration and a healthy dose of lithium aspartate could have engendered such rapid progress? Sure, you can use more magnets than the ones we used, you can substitute the more common lithium carbonate salt for the aspartate, but it doesn’t matter much one way or the other. The fact remains that this was an enormous breakthrough, and still I lost my shirt.

I am not, however, defeated. Now that I know what I know, it’s only a matter of successfully marketing the innovation. Millions of people want to learn to play musical instruments, hundreds of millions more want to learn foreign languages. If they learn them, they will be much more employable. There is a need, and I can fill that need, if I can let customers know about my discovery.

Oh sure, we had a few setbacks early on. That woman who took ten times the recommended dose of lithium and then went into a coma. The man who made his own electromagnets and then stuck them in his ears. He was using high-voltage, alternating current. Our magnets are permanent neodymium magnets with a set polarity,

Both of these people died agonizing deaths, and their families tried to sue us. Fortunately, their personal injury lawyers saw that we had no money so declined to even begin the lawsuits. Right or wrong doesn’t matter so much in these matters, but deep pockets attract lawyers like flies to honey. The fact that these people refused to follow our instructions or recommendations became secondary and moot.

The fact is, I don’t have to play by the same rules as do others. I can forego the rigors, expense and time demanded by scientific testing. Double-blind studies are cumbersome. Rather than encourage researchers, they pose a formidable obstacle to enthusiasts and those inspired to take an alternative course. Why not just free ourselves, unfurl our golden wings and fly? Why not let the proof lie in the pudding?

Years from now, someone will prove the merits to my system and explain just how it works. Even though at this time I can’t tell you why it works, I can assure you that it does.

Let me also assure you that I’m not the kind of “mad scientist” who would test his theories on others first. No, every procedure I’ve championed has first been performed on me. That hole at the top of my skull, which the ancient Egyptians swore was the solution to many an ailment, I experienced first hand. Of course, I sterilized the drill bit and with the aid of an overhead mirror managed to avoid drilling past the skull and into the brain itself. When it doubt, proceed with caution, especially when you’re talking brain surgery.

And the radioactive insoles not only cured athlete’s foot, but gave a spring to my step that lasted for months after I stopped wearing them. The only thing that tempered my enthusiasm for that product was the puzzling drop in white cell count that mimicked the early stages of leukemia. I though it best to sideline that specific innovation until I could find more time for testing.

I am not foolhardy, but rather try my best to balance diligence with inspiration. One has to follow one’s hunches whenever possible. I won’t insult your intelligence by repeating Edison’s quote about inspiration vs. perspiration, but I would like to say that without inspiration, progress is impossible. A demand of novelty in the marketplace does not drive innovation.

My critics accuse me of being a huckster, a snake-oil salesman. Few praise or encourage me. If it weren’t for the loyal fan base I’ve built up through years of daring to help those whom regular science ignores, I would have given up long ago.

I am not foolhardy, but rather try my best to balance diligence with inspiration. One has to follow one’s hunches whenever possible. I won’t insult your intelligence by repeating Edison’s quote about inspiration vs. perspiration, but I would like to say that without inspiration, progress is impossible. A demand of novelty in the marketplace does not drive innovation.

My critics refuse to recognize that I’m a good person. More than becoming rich or celebrated, I want to help those in need. My gifts are especially useful in certain areas…medicine, education, the performing arts.

Speaking of the arts, I recently attended a show called the “Sexy and Pretty Show.” It’s an odd mixture of karaoke and erotic dance, and the performers are a mix of real women and transvestites. There may be a few straight men in the cast, but if so, they escaped my attention.

As far as I could tell, there was no story to drive the action, no plot, no central characters, but simply a pastiche of production numbers, some more effective than others. The finale involved every person in the cast coming on stage and disrobing, often removing stuffed bras and tightly bound genitalia. The wigs were the first to be discarded, and there were plenty of them.

Then they all lip-synched a song played at such volume that the lyrics were completely distorted, but one whose emotional import caused both audience and cast members to weep openly.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “My Brilliant Invention

  1. Haven’t ypu been told a hundred times? It’s not enough to know the answer. You must show your work. 😜
    I enjoyed this like I have enjoyed old comic books.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s