Month: August 2019

Face It

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SUGGESTIONS FOR A BETTER LIFE, ONE WITH ALL THE MONEY, SEX, FRIENDS AND FREEDOM YOU’VE ALWAYS CRAVED.

Admit it, when you were twelve you thought you’d have that stuff by now. You thought you were going to be some kind of damn celebrity, or at least live like one. You assumed it was your birthright. Sure, there were a few complications that had to be solved, setbacks to be endured, but by the last commercial break it was going to be smooth sailing all the way. 

But then the job you thought was yours was given to someone else, the girl you figured would be happy to marry you had other ideas, the swingers who were your friends seemed more and more like unemployable parasites. 

Now you’re sitting at home wondering what to do with yourself. Your days are filled with meaningless errands. There’s never a time to kick back and relax after a hard day because it’s been so long since you’ve actually accomplished anything you can’t remember what that feels like.

Social media is a complete waste of time. So is online shopping. These activities do not constitute a rich life, well-lived. You’ll have to find a way to raise the bar to get any excitement or meaning back into your life, but you can’t find the bar and even if you could, you wouldn’t be able to lift it. 

How do other people swing this? Are they just better at faking it, or do they really have more substantive lives? Maybe they’re just more easily satisfied with less. For them, buying presents for grandchildren is enough. Or maybe it isn’t, but they hide their ennui and disappointment. They put on a brave face for the sake of others.

Grandma and Grandpa are just waiting to die. Don’t mind them. They’ve got their TV, their comfy chairs, and the remote. Everything in their house is over-stuffed. Grandpa has his model ships, and Grandma her porcelain figurines. Limited edition china plates featuring sentimental scenes. Lawrence Welk died twenty years ago, but some cable channel still plays the reruns of his show.

Look, there goes Grandpa to the hospital. Thank God for Medicare and the AARP supplemental policy he had the foresight to purchase. He’ll only be in hospice a little over a week before the angel’s trumpet sounds and he’s called to his eternal reward. We’ll give the model ships to Goodwill, because the kids don’t want them. That quilt Grandma is working on will lie on the bed in the guest room. We don’t use that room much, because nobody wants to come here if they have vacation time. They want to go somewhere more fun. The pictures they post on social media will arouse envy in their friends and neighbors. If they took pictures around here, it would just make people sad.

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THE FIRST LADY WORE A JACKET THAT SAID “I DON’T CARE”

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THE FIRST LADY WORE A JACKET THAT SAID “I DON’T CARE.”

And nobody thought that unusual. She is an immigrant, given citizenship on a fast-track route reserved for the highly educated, though she worked mostly as a model, often a nude model. Her husband the President hates immigrants and spends much of his time rallying support against them and policies that favor open borders.

America celebrates the New Dumb, while wallowing in a pit of Anti-Intellectualism the likes that have not been seen in a century. We are excited about tearing down the protections that were carefully put in place by earlier, smarter government. We revel in our ignorance, our prejudice, and are proud to rule as a mob of gun-toting illiterates. We revel in our stupidity.

And why wouldn’t we? We are the richest country in the world and waste the most money on defense. We spend more on our military than any other nation. We think the arts are for sissies and homely women who can’t snag a rich husband. We don’t have time to read. Show me a video with a celebrity in it or shut up.

The problem with anti-intellectualism in general is that it spreads like a virus. It’s self-reinforcing. Brown shirts create more brown shirts. Mobs become larger over time. It’s fun to be on the winning side! If you’re not, better head for the hills, because this unruly mob will spot you and take you down!

History has shown that waves of anti-intellectualism can last for centuries. Witch hunts, mass executions, banishment, and re-education camps all prove their worth based on flawed assumptions. When the fury finally dies down, the thugs in charge rest from their toil, patting themselves on the back for doing such a good job.

It’s hard for anything “alternative” to thrive in a culture where only money matters. This isn’t a culture so much as a marketplace. If you can’t sell those bananas today, then throw them out, because tomorrow they’ll be mush. We could give creative artists the time they need to come up with something new, or we could not and let only the strong survive. If you’ve been to the cinema lately and lamented the glut of comic book action movies, then you already know where that lead us.

These Hilarious Dog Photos Will Make You Laugh!

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See why the Internet has gone crazy over this new game!

Our Favorite TV couples who are good buddies in real life.

Celebrities we lost this year.

12 ways to know if the world is really ending. 

Goofy faces made by babies when their moms aren’t looking.

 

These are the headlines that shape the “infotainment” that makes up most of what is written on the Internet. The movement is away from text and towards videos. People who read articles like this are more likely to watch a video than read anything.

Internet “content providers” are well aware of this trend. If you are a content provider who can “go viral” then you have become a “trendsetter.” Chances are you will be under the age of thirty and figured as reasonably attractive, maybe even “hot.”

About a hundred years ago, newspaper columnist H.L. Mencken lamented that “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American Public.”  Today, more than ever, he has been proven prescient.

 

 

 

 

 

NEVER GIVE UP, BUT DON’T BE AFRAID TO NAP

 

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Your complete attention is rarely required. Far better to doze contentedly, registering what happens around you through a gauzy haze of indifference. There is absolutely nothing to worry about. Immense forces move about, taking care of business so you don’t have to.

This is the way to maintain your sanity and composure no matter what happens. Any other path leads to frustration and insanity. Hasty decisions made from a position of weakness are always regretted later.

When in doubt, do nothing. When you feel driven by passionate intensity and fiery ambition, also do nothing, or at least as little as possible. No good come from actions made in haste.

The illusion that you’re running out of time is just that. Almost certainly, time is not the constraint you imagine it to be, but rather a gift the size of which you have decided to remain unaware. Being in a hurry gives you license to behave recklessly. Having plenty of time obliges you to act with precision and care. You can fool yourself into thinking that by rushing through a task or set of decisions you will buy yourself freedom afterwards, but it won’t. Instead you will be unsure and worried. You will be haunted by your haste.

WON’T YOU JOIN ME?

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I have access to real truth that you won’t be able to find anywhere else. With this truth comes power. If you become my disciple, you will wield unimaginable power. With power comes wealth. People will find you more attractive because you are now wealthy and powerful. You will never regret a moment after you become my disciple.

My truth is an unearned gift that was given to me by God Himself. I don’t know why He chose me, but He did. He wants me to draw worthy souls to myself in order to experience this Truth and Power and to eventually know Him. I am merely His servant.

In order to be my disciple, you will have to move to be with me. This is not an attractive area. No one has ever come here on vacation. There are no tourist guides written about its beauty. It’s a distant suburb of a dying rust-belt city in the middle of America. Even the motels have shut down. At least half the houses and commercial buildings are lived in by vagrants, raccoon’s and possums. I live in a tent. You can have your own tent, if you bring one. There’s room for several tents.

We don’t own the land we’re camping on. Nobody knows who owns it, and nobody cares. There is city water nearby, and nobody seems to mind us using it. We could call all this a “miracle,” or merely a series of oversights. What it could be called doesn’t matter. It’s our life, here and now.

We need someone to learn ventriloquism in order to operate several dummies we found in an abandoned house. This could provide a way for us to attract followers and possibly earn money through street performing. What the English call “busking.” It would be nice to have some children in our community. Hanging around only with other old people ultimately proves depressing.

If you’re coming, give us a few days notice before you arrive. During the hot weather we’re often nude all day long, and we don’t want to give you an unpleasant surprise. We have no hidden agenda regarding nudity. It’s simply been the natural outcome of heat and isolation. We’re not into free love any more than most old hippies.

The truth I have to share with you is Absolute Truth, not corrupted by falsehoods of any kind. It is the Real McCoy. It is what you’ve been looking for for all of your life. Once you embrace this truth wholeheartedly, you will never be the same. You will no longer cause yourself or others grief. You will stop pointing the finger at others and blaming them for your unhappiness.

And that is just the beginning of what you will experience and learn from what amounts to a conversion process that can best be described as “returning to your natural state.” The cost? It is, of courses, absolutely free.