SUGGESTIONS FOR A BETTER LIFE, ONE WITH ALL THE MONEY, SEX, FRIENDS AND FREEDOM YOU’VE ALWAYS CRAVED.
Admit it, when you were twelve you thought you’d have that stuff by now. You thought you were going to be some kind of damn celebrity, or at least live like one. You assumed it was your birthright. Sure, there were a few complications that had to be solved, setbacks to be endured, but by the last commercial break it was going to be smooth sailing all the way.
But then the job you thought was yours was given to someone else, the girl you figured would be happy to marry you had other ideas, the swingers who were your friends seemed more and more like unemployable parasites.
Now you’re sitting at home wondering what to do with yourself. Your days are filled with meaningless errands. There’s never a time to kick back and relax after a hard day because it’s been so long since you’ve actually accomplished anything you can’t remember what that feels like.
Social media is a complete waste of time. So is online shopping. These activities do not constitute a rich life, well-lived. You’ll have to find a way to raise the bar to get any excitement or meaning back into your life, but you can’t find the bar and even if you could, you wouldn’t be able to lift it.
How do other people swing this? Are they just better at faking it, or do they really have more substantive lives? Maybe they’re just more easily satisfied with less. For them, buying presents for grandchildren is enough. Or maybe it isn’t, but they hide their ennui and disappointment. They put on a brave face for the sake of others.
Grandma and Grandpa are just waiting to die. Don’t mind them. They’ve got their TV, their comfy chairs, and the remote. Everything in their house is over-stuffed. Grandpa has his model ships, and Grandma her porcelain figurines. Limited edition china plates featuring sentimental scenes. Lawrence Welk died twenty years ago, but some cable channel still plays the reruns of his show.
Look, there goes Grandpa to the hospital. Thank God for Medicare and the AARP supplemental policy he had the foresight to purchase. He’ll only be in hospice a little over a week before the angel’s trumpet sounds and he’s called to his eternal reward. We’ll give the model ships to Goodwill, because the kids don’t want them. That quilt Grandma is working on will lie on the bed in the guest room. We don’t use that room much, because nobody wants to come here if they have vacation time. They want to go somewhere more fun. The pictures they post on social media will arouse envy in their friends and neighbors. If they took pictures around here, it would just make people sad.